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TRANSCRIPT - Episode 12: Keep Going

[Eerie theme music plays]

YOUR NARRATOR: Everything is so cyclical.

I come out. I enjoy for awhile. I get scared, or I do something stupid. I hide away for a long time. I get bored, lonely. I come back out. I enjoy for awhile. I get scared. And so on, and so forth.

I can't stay here, that's the truth. Not in this basement. The white-tiles get to me. The scurrying of little animal or insect feet that I don't care to investigate. Too quiet for your ears, too loud for mine. Don't look at them, I tell myself. Don't listen to them. Don't look at the white tiles, don't look at the mess, don't look at everything fading and crumbling around you.

Keep your eyes forward, and keep your ears open to the internet.

Listen to their voices, I tell myself. About you. Listen to them tell you things about this world. This world you can be a part of, as much as them. You are a part of it. You are their friend. You are their friend. Be their friend. Be a friend. Be outside, among them, helping, not hurting. But when I fail...when I go outside and feel that I am invisible, inferior, and uninteresting, there is this horrible rage and shame that I have to fight.

And, following close behind Rage, is Hunger.

The only thing to do is to keep going. Keep behaving as though I'm normal, and that I'm all right, and I will continue to be.

I am here, and I am speaking with you, so I am all right.

Do you ever feel that way? That, nose-to-the-grindstone, eyes forward, just take a deep breath because one day it will be better, feeling?

Is that the human condition? I've mentioned it before...that you can't really enjoy the journey, because you're too focussed on the destination? A destination you may never reach?

It is certain that I will never reach it. I said once that I'm paddling on a dark sea that will never end. This is true.

It's also like a highway.

Like a road that goes on and on...and it's so dark, and it's so empty, that even the thought of seeing someone or something else on it would be so jarring, so unusual, that it would chill you to the bone.

Like a road winding into a haunted forest.

Like a road leading to a witch's cottage down the bend.

The only thing more frightening than an empty road, is a road with one thing waiting for you.

What is that thing for you?

What is that thing waiting for you, on your road, that you fear most?

Mine is a pale, tall, dark monster with a sincere grin full of teeth like razors, and joyful black eyes.

Mine is a monster who looks just like me.

And it is also the one thing I want to find.

A young man was on a road once. An empty, long, stone road. He walked and he walked, and he only had with him a sack full of a few pieces of clothes and a few pieces of food.

He was traveling. He didn't know to where or to what end. He was escaping, you see. He was fourteen and he was angry and his father was also angry. Always angry. And his father would always exercise his anger with his fists and his belt and his voice on this bitter fourteen year-old boy who had finally had enough. No money, no prospects, but pride and strength of spirit he had. So he took his anger and turned it into bravery and he left.

He didn't mind that his feet were tired and that he did not know this road. This road was safe, to him. More safe than "home". The cold air on his face was calming. The bright moon was beautiful company. The twinkling stars were gentle guides. The howl of the wind was music.

[humming a song, with a drone/howling wind sound underneath]

He hummed a little song along with it. He loved it. For the first time in, perhaps, years, he found himself smiling.

Eventually, it would have to end. Eventually, he would have to find a city or a town. Find a means of employment. Find a place to live. Somehow, as a lost fourteen year-old, he would have to do all this. He didn't delude himself.

But, for now, he had this beautiful night. This beautiful road.

"I wish it would never end." He thought to himself. And a large part of him wanted to stop, sit, stare at the sky, and never stop.

But he sighed to himself instead, and forward and forward he walked. His feet did their job, even if his heart protested.

He walked on and on, until he was compelled to stop for moment. There was something ahead of him, far away, in the distance. Something glinting white in the moonlight. The closer he grew to it, the sooner he realized it was a person. Someone in a white gown. Just standing there, facing him. Closer he came, and soon he made out large eyes, a young face, long disheveled hair. It was a young girl, close to him in age, and she was standing in the middle of the road staring at him.

Soon, they were standing in front of each other, staring.

"Hello," she said.

"Why are you here?" She asked.

"You don't like to talk?"

He shrugged. No, he didn't like to talk. There was always a punishment for it at home, so he took to silence like a fish to water.

"That's all right. Can I walk with you?"

They kept walking down the road. If he had been paying attention to such things, he may have noticed that nothing was really changing. The grass on the sides of the road, the trees, the bushes, the stones, the temperature, the position of the moon...these things were stagnant. Permanent. But he didn't notice.

They walked. He said nothing. But she talked a little.

"I like this place. I've liked it since the first time I laid eyes on it."

It was a funny thing. They didn't mention each other's names, they didn't have a proper introduction, or that fun thing that happens when two teenagers meet and either find common ground or do not. They simply walked together. They enjoyed each other's company, but neither was really sure why.

He had questions he wanted to ask her. Are you alone, too? Are you running from something, too? How long have you been here? How long does this road last? Where does this road go?

He kept his silence.

But she seemed to pick up on what he was curious about.

"I've been walking along this road for some time now. I'm not sure where it goes. I'm not sure I want to know where it goes. Or that I ever will."

[humming the same song from earlier]

The two travelers walked and walked, until - surprisingly - something else was visible in the distance. It was another white figure, large, on the ground.

The closer they came to it, he realized with a sinking feeling that it was a horse. A white horse, lying dead on the road.

It didn't look decomposed, it did not look as though it had been dead for long. It had a gunshot wound to its head.

"Poor, poor thing." The girl said sadly. They stopped and looked on it.

And they continued to walk.

"It's hard, being on your own." The girl continued. The boy continued to say nothing. "Especially in this place. It's not very safe. But it is so very peaceful. It lulls you into thinking it's safe."

And they continued to walk.

"I'm glad you're here. But I know you can't stay."

The boy stopped and looked at her.

Why couldn't he?

She smiled gently. "I was running away too, you see."

But suddenly, her white gown seemed to be stained red, clearly now, in the moonlight, where it hadn't been before.

"But the wrong person found me."

At that very moment, a white horse - very much alive, and wild with fear - rode by with incredible speed. A girl in a white dress rode the horse. She was crying and afraid.

A dark horse with a rider trailed behind.

Another gunshot.

[drone/howling wind sound plays underneath the following:]

The white horse and its young rider fell, far ahead of where the two young spectators stood. The horse threw the girl a far distance away. And the dark rider caught up. Searched the two. Found nothing. Nothing to steal. She was just a runaway, after all, and she hadn't thought there were people in the world more desperate than her. The dark rider was furious, but calculated, as he dragged the girl by the hand and took her off into the woods to be discarded cruelly yet carefully.

The dark rider got back on his horse and rode away.

The white horse lay in the road ahead of them, again. As though they had actually walked a long circle and come upon the same sight again.

He looked at her, his eyes wide and full of tears.

"It's all right," she said gently and wiped a tear from his face. "This place is so beautiful. How could anyone be sad? It's all right. You'll see."

After a long moment, she asked him, "Do you want to keep going?"

They kept going. Past the horse lying in the road. And soon, it was gone, and there was only the road and the moon and the wind. And the sadness and the fear he'd felt passed.

[the humming continues]

"Are you hurt?" She asked him.

He shook his head.

"You have been hurt, though?" She asked him, pointing to a bruise on the side of his head.

The moon was still in the same position.

"You're all right now, though."

And they kept walking. And in the distance, another white figure on the road, large, standing, moving.

It was the white horse. The same white horse, in the same saddle, without the wound. Grazing at some grass on the side of the road. Gleefully pacing here and there.

The girl smiled.

And the boy realized her dress had been white again.

It was all right now.

They stopped a moment and caressed the horse. Laughed a little as it ran around freely, nudged them, played a little. It was all right. There was no "poor thing" here.

Eventually, it ran off into the woods.

"Do you want to keep going?" The girl asked the boy.

One night, not too long ago, but long, long after these two first met, I was walking down the same road. It was quiet, it was nighttime, and it was beautiful.

I did have a destination in mind, you see, but I was in no rush. When you can move as quickly and as easily as me through the world, taking a moment to walk along a peaceful path is a lovely luxury, a decadence I am not often afforded.

As I walked, I was suddenly aware - as if out of nowhere - of two creatures. They walked in step with me along the road. A young boy, a young girl. They stood next to each other and they smiled and their eyes were on the stars.

They faded in and out of my sight.

I often see things that are not quite in this world, and not quite out of it.

These two were very much in and out of the world.

I sensed death on the girl.

And on the boy, I sensed....

something else.

Have you ever wanted to step outside of the world? To escape and go somewhere peaceful and quiet? To not be found, not be hunted, not be discoverable...to just be allowed to exist? Appreciate beauty? Appreciate the world for what it is - a long, lovely, winding, road with no end?

This boy found a way. Somehow.

Perhaps with a little help.

And I'm sure that they are still walking, to this day.

Eyes forward, my friends. Keep going.

[Eerie theme music]

(Host speaks out of character, as Kristen:)

Hi everybody, this is Kristen Zaza, and welcome to Episode 12 of On a Dark, Cold Night. Thanks so much for joining me again!

I know this episode was a little shorter than usual, but this was the story I had inside me to tell, so here we are. Thank you for coming.

Oh my gosh, what do I have to say today? Um, so something I've been talking about for a little while: Punk Rock previews start this week - uh, it's this awesome play that I'm in. Um. You can buy tickets at howlandcompanytheatre.com or at the Crow's Theatre website. The show runs from March 29-April 14th at Crow's Theatre, in the Streetcar Crowsnest space. I'm so excited, and I would love for anyone who's in the Toronto area to come check it out.

Also, uh, some cool news, uh, On a Dark, Cold Night is now on RadioPublic! If you don't know about it, RadioPublic has this great program where a podcast can sign up for Paid Listens. So, if you happen to listen to a podcast on the RadioPublic app, you're helping the podcaster towards earning money for their hard work. It's free for you to use, and it's a big help to me and other podcast creators, so if you have the app or are able to get it and want to listen to the show there, I would really appreciate it! I just heard about it, and uh I thought it was so cool when I did hear about it. So, RadioPublic, it's called. Find us there!

Uh, some other ways you can help: you can review the show on iTunes, Stitcher, Podknife, or anywhere else you can review and rate podcasts! Also, uh, please subscribe, and spread the word via social media! I'm on Twitter and Facebook @ADarkColdNight, I'm on Instagram at darkcoldnightpodcast, and you can e-mail me at any time at darkcoldnightpodcast@gmail.com .

Uh. Another way to help out if you're interested is to check us out on Patreon. On patreon.com/darkcoldnight .

So! Thank you again! Have a lovely end to your March and start to your April. Take care guys.

[eerie theme music plays]