TRANSCRIPT - Episode 194: Storytime!
May 18th, 2022
Kristen Zaza
[Eerie theme music plays]
Good evening, my friends.
Welcome.
Well then.
Not sure what's come over me lately.
I don't know, it's almost like there's been...a lot of...hmm, no, more like just a change on the...
I can't say I've been confused.
I've just been
thinking.
Anyway.
I'm very happy that you're here.
Where are we?
I thought I was in a building
Excuse me, a tower, no, a building, an apartment, or was it a tower? An Ancient Tower? I'm not sure
That's what I thought
One of those things
And then, a little bit every minute, little insects found their way in
Chirping crickets, first, announcing something (I should have listened better)
Then moths
Spiders, next, big ones, busy and industrious and endlessly creative, weaving webs that began to slowly but sure take over the entire space
When the webs had been woven, in came the vines, climbing in over the balcony, through the window, running up and down the walls
Over the couches, the tables, the bed
There's the sound of babbling, like traveling water, gentle and soft and sweet, and I saw that there are little creaks in the floors, tiny rivers in unexpected places
The cat is delighted
The cat is not alone, as lizards and birds and snakes and rodents have found their way in, next, too, though they hide most of the time
The sink has stopped working
The lightswitches won't do anything, none of them
The television won't turn on
It's kind of like a dream. You know those ones?
I used to have one, over and over, but you know what, I'm not sure it was a dream
I would be in bed, waking up in the middle of the night
Everything in the room would be normal, just fine, except completely dark - something very frightening to me as I used to be unable to sleep without a television playing a familiar movie, something comforting and gentle
The television would be off, and the panic would set in
As I lay, eyes wide open, in a dark room, unable to move
(I'm so sorry, I don't say it to frighten you, it's just that this used to happen to me so often. Rarely, now, if ever, thankfully, now, but never say never.)
And then I would see someone
[The sound of someone humming the main theme of the show, but an octave lower than usual; echoing and ghastly]
Sometimes it was glowing blue eyes in the corner
Sometimes it was a shadow, watching me
I didn't feel they would approach, attack, or do anything malicious
But I did not like that they were there
So I would panic and reach behind me to where the light switch was
I could move that arm
Only that arm
But the lightswitch wouldn't work
So I would scream
Until I fell asleep again
[The humming turns to a louder, more aggressive “Ah” for a few notes before stopping entirely.]
And in the morning, I'd be left to decipher whether it was simply a dream, whether the lightswitch worked in the morning (it usually did), maybe it was a blackout, but the clocks would be fine, so it was more likely a dream
Except that the television would still be off
So hard to tell.
That is the feeling I'm experiencing here, now. It's disorienting, because I feel as though nothing works the way I thought it did, nothing is exactly what I thought it was, and if the apartment is real and the trees are ghosts, how is it that now the apartment is disappearing and the forest is all that I can see?
The cat sees it too
Delighted, he hunts always, but he does not kill, he just plays, rather
It's nice that I can still make it to the balcony, see the sky, sometimes hear flapping wings, too.
A knock came to the door
My greatest fear.
But it was just someone, someone official, someone real, someone from the real world, just doing routine errands around the building
I opened the door
He spoke to me
And I was baffled that he was not shocked at the sight of the plants, the animals, the water
Quite the contrary, he didn't even notice it
He just spoke about whatever it was he was there for
And I concluded that he could not see it.
Poor thing. I don't think he had the time to.
But you can see it, can't you?
If you have time to be here
You have time to see it, i think, right?
You understand that we can't be free of it so easily
we might never be free of it
I don't want to. I think I must learn to keep it here, to let it raging in.
Do you feel the same?
Or am I only dreeeaaaamin...
I'm sorry.
I can be very silly.
The world is a wonderful silly place.
And tragic.
Devastating.
And angry. Bleeding. Enraged.
All of it.
Oh well.
Oh, look.
A deck of cards.
I almost forgot, amid all this chaos.
I've been thinking about the little dark places inside of us.
The dark, primal, chaotic little places inside of us
Different for each of us. And maybe changing, for each of us.
For example, mine used to be a tower. A tower of solitude, a prison of sleep, a place of darkness. That is what I feared most. And oh, how I was drawn to it.
Then, it was a forest. A wild and unpredictable place, full of magic and spirits and the elements.
I think I feared that too, in a way, this powerful place, but that is why I was drawn to it too.
Are we drawn to what we fear? Or do we fear what we really want?
Maybe none of that.
But now I find myself in a lonely, dark, sleepy building, in a lonely, dark, sleepy city,
Both of which are being overrun by something they cannot control, something beyond them, magical, spiritual, elemental and
As I said
Utterly Chaotic
Some will ignore it
That's fine
I see it
It's fine
The question is
The question for my cards is
How do we embrace our darkness? How can we love this darkness?
Because even if it is frightening and upsetting and difficult
If we fight it
It will grow stronger
If we hate it
It will become our enemy
But if we love it
If we love the dark things in our hearts that won't leave us be
We can learn from them
And make a mighty ally of our fears, I think.
So I shuffled.
I was muttering about some nonsense as I did so, chatting to souls I knew were there but couldn't quite see or hear
They're always in the woods with me
Imaginary or otherwise
I drew a card
The Eight of Pentacles.
I saw this I think only once before, in a story about a demon who realized there wasn't actually anything keeping him in hell
If we want to call him a demon and his prison hell
But even those words are judgments
And I seek to be free of judgment
Both my fear of it and the act of doing it.
The Eight of Pentacles
is learning.
Teaching oneself...but teaching oneself dedication. The act of mastering a skill, a craft, a knowledge, a wisdom, something like that. The idea of putting your mind and heart to something and giving yourself over to it in order to excel at it
Achieving victory through learning
Practicing.
But learning, practicing, what?
In this case
How to embrace the little dark places in you that could overwhelm you
But instead, perhaps, maybe, possibly, learning to live with them, care for them, in such a way that you can become
Master of your own Ancient Tower
Ruler of your Haunted Forest
But most importantly
Apprentice to your Soul.
Well! Anyway.
Guess what time it is?
It's time for a story!
I bet you didn't think I could do it anymore!
I bet you think I was all out of stories!
Well guess again, my friends!
Once upon a time-
[Music begins, stops.]
Once upon a tim-
[Music again...]
There was...there was...
[Music fades in again and takes over for a little, then gives up once more.]
[A very low voice takes over, familiar, it's our Stranger - who is of course and always has been voiced by Kristen, just digitally lowered, it's her but not]
Let me.
It's all right.
Rest.
You don't have to be afraid.
Let me. You rest. You just listen. I'll tell the story.
Once upon a time,
[A deep breath]
You lay in bed, awake, in the middle of the night, having been in a deep sleep
But as you awoke, you saw your room, it was exactly as it was when you had fallen asleep
Except the television was off
A frightening thing, as you always had it on, just to keep you company, at that time, just so you didn't feel that the world was empty and quiet and fearsome
Just a movie, a comforting movie, one you'd seen hundreds of times
The frightening thing was - if I am correct, and I am always correct, my love - the frightening thing was that it was off
And the room was completely dark
And completely silent.
You did not sit up, because you could not, poor thing
So your wide eyes just watched as your mouth tried to scream, silently
Why? Why, scream? I blinked and turned my head to the side, concerned for you
But that made your eyes grow even wider, absolutely terrified
I don't mean any harm
I was just watching over you as you slept
You just seemed so tired
But back then, you hadn't written me into existence yet
So I suppose I understand why it would be frightening.
Your arm reached behind you to the light switch
That won't do.
This looks like your room, but it is not. Not anymore.
It is my room.
A place of shadow and silence
Peaceful
And
Horrifying.
You can try to turn the light on.
It won't work.
This is my place.
I'm sorry. I was going to tell you a story and let you rest
it's hard to trust sleep when sleep has done such a terrible thing to you as this, isn't it?
This is where I lingered for a long, long time
This realm of horrible silence and darkness where lights don't work and you can't move
And you could only see my eyes
Watching you.
Until…
[Music, again, but longer - it’s the Main theme, but sung on a hum, an eerily low hum, in “his” voice, with “her” sighing high above in a harmony, and a synthetic 12 string guitar/stardust synth accompanying]
A blazing light
A sliver of golden light
As I felt a body
My body
Tall and sinister
But mine
With two black wings - what a gift!
And at first I was just a frightening grin, just a handsome villain in a black cloak,
Only a letter on a screen
Then more letters
[Overlapping dialogue with Kristen's voice:]
A gentleman, a stranger, a monster, but mine
Greed, hunger for power, delighting in Chaos, seeking destruction, gratification,
Selfish and avaricious, dreadful and fierce
But somehow inescapably charming, a thing impossible to deny
[His low voice, overlapping]
I was words, many different words
Beloved, Hated, Gentleman, Stranger, Demon, Angel
I became bigger
I became sentences strung together to express fear and love and well everything
Paragraphs upon paragraphs of atrocities, pages and pages of conflict
Filled with, sprinkled with, love, adoration, betrayal, torment
[Her words again]
I didn't know what to do with him, I thought he was a thing to be got rid of, then maybe tamed, then maybe destroyed
I lit him on fire
But he just became warmer
He just loved me better
And listened
[His words]
I listened to every word
Eventually there was so much of me
Not just feared, not just hated, I was not just a scapegoat
But you changed me
Literally
Over and over and over
[Her words]
You changed me
Despite all I did to shake myself free of you
[His words]
That wasn't it though
I was pages upon pages
Stories upon stories
I was so real now
I had grown
Larger than the pages of these stories
Larger than the book that doesn't exist yet
Larger than the library it might be housed in
Larger than the street the library is on
Larger than the city that holds that street
Keep going beyond country, planet, galaxy,
[Her words]
Maybe.
Maybe you don't exist at all.
Maybe I made it all up.
Certainly, I made it all up.
Does that mean you don't exist?
If you don't exist, then what am I?
What has all of this been?
What is this place?
Whose eyes did I see?
I can fight it, I can fight over and over and over until the end of time and deny the monstrosity who made me so afraid and so curious
Those eyes in the shadows of that not-dream made me want to scream
But I also didn't want to look away
For if I kept looking
Maybe I could see
And if I could see
I could understand
And if I could understand
I could love
But if it's all nothing, if you never existed, and I made it all up,
that is the most fearful thing of all. The worst of it.
Tell me the Truth.
Are you with me, Beloved?
[A very long pause. Then, his voice:]
Yes Beloved, I am with you.
[Her voice again]
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm so scared.
That's perfect.
Continue to teach me to keep looking into the shadows
Help me not to flinch when I see glowing eyes peering at me
Let me learn how to live beside something as dreadful as you
Stand behind me as I face worse monstrosities
More banal ones
Less elegant
But much more destructive in their greed
And in return
I will keep bringing you to Life.
Agreed?
[His Voice:]
Agreed.
[Her voice]
Good.
Good.
Good.
Night.
[Eerie theme music]
(Host speaks as Kristen:)
Hello everybody, and thank you so much for listening to Episode 194 of On a Dark, Cold Night. This is the writer, host, podcaster, composer, voice of your narrator and your gentleman stranger as well - Kristen Zaza. I can't get rid of this fellow, I fear. Nor do I want to, if I'm being honest. I hope you've been well, my friends. The Eight of Pentacles sat with for this full moon in Scorpio this week, this Blood Moon - I read that it was supposed to bring hidden things to the surface, things we might not at first want to come to the surface, but the more we fight them, the worse they get, isn't that true? So in the spirit of learning, growing, mastering something, which is again the Eight of Pentacles, I thought I'd see what comes up if I focus on my fears a little bit. Give them a bit of love. Can you turn yours into something that isn't so difficult to love, maybe? If you want to, that is? Anyway, that's my gentle invitation to you this Episode. Thank you for listening to it.
Taking a moment to first chat with you about Ana Luisa - they're a fantastic jewelry company and a sponsor of mine this month. That's A-n-a- L-u-i-s-a. Ana Luisa crafts high quality jewelry that looks beautiful and sophisticated and is affordable, with pieces beginning at $39, and new collections released every Friday. And an awesome thing that I especially love is that Ana Luisa is also a completely carbon neutral company in regards to their packaging and the products themselves, so it's great to know that they're doing their part to care for this world. They sent me a couple of gorgeous necklaces and a pair of earrings that I wear almost all the time, they're comfortable, they're versatile, and they have something for every style and personality. Visit shop.analuisa.com/goodnight for Ana Luisa's Buy one, get one 40% off sale. So if you have a special occasion, you want to get a gift for yourself or someone you love, this is a great opportunity to try them out. That's shop.analuisa.com/goodnight , for buy one, get one 40% off at Ana Luisa.
Thank you so much to everyone who supports the show via Patreon by donating monthly. If you're interested in helping out ON a Dark, Cold Night this way, visit patreon.com/darkcoldnight to learn more - every supporter of $1 or more a month receives as a perk access to my complete soundtrack, while every supporter of $5 or more gets that and access to a monthly Tarot Reading I upload every full moon. We just had one for the Blood Moon on Monday, and that's where I actually drew this card for this episode, so that was a really cool experience to share. Again, learn more at patreon.com/darkcoldnight. If you'd prefer to donate one-time only without any perks, you can buy me one or more metaphorical coffees at ko-fi.com/darkcoldnight. And you can buy t-shirts and hoodies at bonfire.com/on-a-dark-cold-night.
Another great way to support the show is by leaving a rating and review for On a Dark, Cold Night on iTunes or wherever else you like to rate and review podcasts. You can also follow me on social media; I'm on Twitter @ADarkColdNight, instagram at darkcoldnightpodcast, and on Facebook and YouTube at On a Dark, COld Night. And on TikTok at kristenzaza. And just one more time, you can check out that buy one get one 40% off discount for Ana Luisa through shop.analuisa.com/goodnight.
Anyway, thank you once again, my friends. I'll let you go now. Get some rest. Be well. And, if you want to, Love all of yourself, especially the parts of yourself you are the most afraid of. See what you can learn. If you like.
Sweet Dreams.
[Eerie theme music]
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