Episode 250: A Love Story
October 23rd, 2023
Kristen Zaza
[Eerie Theme Music.]
[Your Narrator:]
Good evening, my friends.
You've found me in the dark hallways of the castle, standing outside the door to my bedroom. I've just woken up, you see.
Strange. I don't think I remember waking up before, not here, anyway.
I feel...I think it's time for...well...
Come for a walk with me.
Through the castle, down the hall, towards where you can see the growing moon through the fogged windows and only that among the pitch-black of this liminal journey-space, far, far away. We're going outside again. I just can't seem to stay inside in the autumn.
So down the hall towards the south side of the castle. Off we go.
It feels strange, I feel as though I've been doing this for some time. Have I? Have I been speaking with you for awhile now?
Yes I think so
Though time has never behaved for me - why should it? I don't believe in it
We are coming up on our sixth Allhallowtide together, isn't that something?
Next week. It will be next week and I'm sure it will be dazzling.
We can see the stars glittering all the more brightly when the veil is thinner between us and them, can't we?
And so it will be again
Sometimes I get caught on these stories, they catch me up and scramble me around and I don't know which way is up and I try to explain it to you but whatever happens, happens, that's one thing I know for sure, and right now it is happening just the same as always, that is, the happening part, so it's really all fine.
But, on reflecting over the last six years - mind your step, there - I never asked myself this question before. Now I can't get it out of my head.
if i could say one thing to everyone, what would it be?
We take our voices for granted. We take our words for granted. But if I only had a few, and I knew as many people as possible were listening, in one story, just one story, what would I say? What would the story be?
I wonder.
Surely
it would be a story
about love
But not a love that is quaint and sweet and what the storybooks said
It would be about the kind of love that is so desperate and necessary that it hurts in a big, deep and dark way
It would be about love that cannot bear illusion or disguise
It would be about love that cannot be contained in names, roles, or words
Beyond words like romantic, platonic, or even dare I utter it, Unconditional
It's somehow greater than unconditional
Out the door and to the right, down these winding stone stairs where the growth of the forest begins to bleed into the castle grounds, that's where we are going next, watch your step.
It's a lovely night. Cold, with a clear more than quarter moon up above, Stars bright, no clouds.
The trees are still green but they will turn red very soon.
This is a place within the castle I come to all the time and do not tell you about.
An ancient place made of stone. I can't call it ruins because there is nothing ruined about it, just because it is old does not mean it is in shambles, for we can take care of these places and visit them often
White stones with moss and dirt, but still they shine in these surrounding pillars, stairs, walls and ledges
Down we go and the moon shines straight down here so it's not so dark
What was I saying?
Oh yes
A Love Story
It would need to be a love story. If I had my way they all would be. Maybe they all are.
Countless love stories within me sing the same tune over and over and over, they sing a song of longing for nothing in particular but a feeling, a place for the heart to sit in, it is a song of love for who knows what, I'm not sure anyone understands it, has anyone ever truly felt that longing go away? Or is that what the singing really is for? Is it a wailing?
They sing
A melody
[A Melody]
A melody, a story,
Of souls
Souls who come together, not in desire or infatuation or anything as flimsy as that
Souls who are forced together by an ancient and burning god of love who demands offering and who, if not appeased, will tear his devotee's hearts out of their chest
We cannot call this love "lover" or "friend" or "family", this is bigger, this is deeper, this is darker, than all that
[A rhythm]
See? See.
Look down there.
There is a great, enormous well. It's almost as wide as the little stone room carved into this earthen pit is.
You cannot see what is within it, for how empty and dark it is
But there sing the souls in their melody, there beat the hearts in their rhythm,
The god of love demands a sacrifice.
For such a huge and frightening well, there are a good many hanging plants growing along the walls. Still green. Birds nest in them. Squirrels scurry. Owls hide in little holds in the walls. Tree roots cling and sprout saplings along the walls. For such a huge and frightening well, life seems to love it very much.
Ah, right, I was talking about sacrifice.
I think this will have to do.
A Love Story
I promised you one, didn't I? My friend?
Don't rip my heart out
I have it here
Don't worry.
Once upon a time, there was an enormous earthen pit. In the part of a castle's grounds that began to bleed into the wild forest beyond, down ancient stone stairs, surrounded by plants and animals and a crisp white growing moon, lay an unfathomably deep well. Nothing could be seen within it, so dark and endless it was. Impossible to even know if it contained water. Just a floor of endless darkness. Always open, and always
Beckoning.
For you see, there was a princess living alone in the castle, and she could not wake up.
I don't mean that she was cursed with a death-like sleep, like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White or any other story princess like that; she was lost in a different kind of sleep.
She was in a world that was contained to her little room that had everything that made her comfortable and relaxed;
There was a soft couch with warm blankets, lots of tea and candles, a television set with all her favourite friends playing funny little dramas out for her, a lovely little cat to cuddle with, and little games to help her mind stay asleep
And so she was blissfully un-awake in here with all that. I use the word blissfully perhaps incorrectly; for sometimes she felt a little dark, a little sad, even with all these comforts, but I suppose ennui is the price we pay for comfort.
Sometimes, she heard a sound outside
[A voice humming 'the melody']
It was so sad and so frightened, so lost and so pained
It made her feel pain
And she didn't like that
So she'd turn the volume up on her tv and try to ignore it.
But the sound grew louder and louder.
And the television volume wouldn't go any higher.
She tried to sleep through it, but there was no such possibility.
And she heard another something
[The rhythm]
A rhythm
Like a beating heart, only...bigger. Deeper. Darker.
It felt as though it was coming closer and closer.
She went to her window, finally, and pulled away the curtain, to see a figure walking towards her castle
Had her castle grown smaller since she last looked out the window, or was the figure impossibly large?
In the misty autumn evening she couldn't make out many details about it, except that it was so tall it couldn't enter through the front door
It knocked anyway
And moaned balefully
It wore a black cloak but the black cloak did not hide its enormous wings that were tattered and torn and had bones poking through the thin flesh there
It hid its face but when it turned its head to look up at her, she could see two golden lights set deep in the shadows of the hood
And it looked into her eyes
And when it moaned again, her heart pounded so painfully she had to close the curtain and retreat to the couch again
She shook in fear
She felt, remarkably, the pain the thing had expressed in that moan
and she tried to laugh at her funny friends on the tv, she tried to play a little game and distract herself, she tried to enjoy the feeling of the soft and warm cat on her lap
But it was getting harder and harder to ignore the looming creature made of pain outside her window.
She gave it an hour or so and checked the window, peeking out carefully from behind the curtains, and it was gone.
She was a little relieved at first, but then she couldn't help but feel a little guilt, a little concern, for how callously she had ignored the giant thing's pain
She was, after all, a princess in a castle; there must have been something she could do?
But she would never be able to survive something so large and so powerful in her world
She was just her, just one princess in one castle, what could she do?
Now you see, here is the problem
No matter how many different channels with different friends she tried
No matter how soft the cat was
No matter how addictive the games were
No matter how warm the blankets
She was awake now.
She could pretend that she wasn't
She could try to ignore the ongoing song, the melody of a soul reaching, the rhythm of a heart aching, the footsteps of the giant cloaked thing with wounded wings walking around her castle
But it would all be pretend
And the feeling that woke within her was the big, deep, dark love that demanded all pretending be done with.
The thing was knocking at all the different doors of the castle, and she was afraid to go meet it
But she could no longer pretend it had gone away.
Its song reverberated through the stone floors
And the television tried to sing back, "I'll Be There For You, I'll Be There For You," over and over and over, hoping to drown it out
But it was a terrible, terrible lie
And so she finally turned it off.
The song was growing louder, that melody, that pain, and it was echoing now
She had to follow it. Perhaps it might end her, perhaps her little body couldn't contain the sorrow of that enormous thing with bones coming out of its wings and firelight in its eyes, but there was no pretending she couldn't hear it
And so she followed it.
She stood outside the door to her bedroom and took a deep breath, and began to walk
Through the castle, down the hall, towards where she could see the growing moon through the fogged windows and only that among the pitch-black of that liminal journey-space, far, far away.
She went outside
It was good to be outside in autumn
Towards the south side of the castle she went
Out the door and to the right, down winding stone stairs where the growth of the forest began to bleed into the castle grounds,
The trees were still green but they would turn red very soon.
An ancient place made of stone.
White stones with moss and dirt, but still they shine in these surrounding pillars, stairs, walls and ledges
Down she went
to that earthen pit
that unfathomably deep well where nothing could be seen within it, so dark and endless it was. Impossible to even know if it contained water. Just a floor of endless darkness. Always open, and always
Beckoning.
[A deep ominous and familiar voice]
"You heard me."
"Yes, I heard you."
"I thought you were ignoring me."
"I tried."
"But you came anyway."
"I had to."
Her heart felt as though it was being pulled down into that pit with that giant creature
Why?
She had been alone with illusions, numbing herself to pain and pretending there was no such thing in the whole wide world
In fact, her whole wide world was the size of a room
Poor little princess
And she saw something bigger than even her whole wide world, and it was in pain
And it made her heart beat
And as terrible as the pain was
Her beating heart felt good
It felt good to be awake
And there was no going back now.
[The music from earlier; melody on piano and vibes, the same soul melody]
A hand extended from the pit
It was almost as big as her
Almost all bone, just like those wings, leathery skin and black fingernails and bone poking through here and there, this was a creature all blood and tissue and bone
The hand extended itself to her as though in offering
She grabbed its rotting pinky to steady herself so that she could look down into the pit
Where she was those two fiery eyes looking up at her
And she could swear she saw a wide grin, skeletal and earnest, just barely, under the light of that burning gaze
"What can I do to ease your pain?" She asked the wounded and undead giant thing
"Are you sure you want to?" It asked her kindly, and I'll tell you something that a horror narrator shouldn't - it felt its heart being pulled out of its chest towards her for how dear the little princess's little offer was.
And the kindness in its voice made her heart reach towards it right back
That's how it starts
That desperate love that cannot bear illusion or pain despite the fact that the world is full of both.
"What can I do to ease your pain?" She asked again.
The creature in the well gently pulled its hand away and back down into the shadowy depths where its eyes slowly faded back and away into the shadows.
I don't know what happened next.
My memory stops right there with this story.
I don't know what it means. I don't always know what they mean. I just tell them.
It's quite a well, isn't it?
It's remarkable that we have one in this castle here, too, isn't it?
I'm so glad I left my bedroom to come see it with you tonight.
It's so big, and deep and dark in there.
I can get lost looking into those shadows.
Look - you can lean in if you want, just as I am doing now
It's all right, there is no danger here.
I'm not afraid anymore.
I can even stand on the ledge
Walk around it on tiptoe
I have no form, after all, and so I have no fear of fallin-
[A stumble and a gasp, a breath echoing out and fading away]
[A very deep and ominous yet familiar voice]
Do not worry, my friends. She will be fine. She has no form here, after all.
I will float with her in the darkness and make sure she doesn't float away, away, away.
She will be back for Allhallowtide
Perhaps changed, we will have to wait and see.
But she will be back.
I promise.
We would never miss it.
Until then
Prepare.
[Eerie Theme Music.]
(Host speaks as Kristen:)
Hello, my friends. Welcome to On a Dark, Cold Night. This is your host, writer, composer, narrator, etcetera, Kristen Zaza. We're so close to Halloween...I'm getting ready for the 6th Allhallowtide Episode I've spent with you, and I can't wait.
First off I want to share a very special episode that I created as part of Amazon Music's Thrills and Chills collection. It's a story called "It Dances at Night" - your Narrator takes you to the story room for the tale of a woman who moves into a new house and is kept awake at night by the sound of something otherworldly and its joyful celebration. You can get early access to it by visiting music.amazon.ca/podcasts/pages/ghost-stories; it's available only through Amazon Music until after Halloween so if you want to listen before then, head on over there to check it out.
I'd like to thank everyone who supports the show on a monthly basis over Patreon - you're all the best. On Patreon, every supporter of $1 US a month receives access to my complete soundtrack, and every supporter of $5 US a month gets that, a monthly tarot reading video every full moon, and a weekly bonus "Quick Moment" meditation. Learn more at patreon.com/darkcoldnight. You can donate one-time only without any perks through ko-fi.com/darkcoldnight, and buy a t-shirt or hoodie at bonfire.com/on-a-dark-cold-night. And if you'd like to access my weekly bonus meditations along with other great ad-free bonus content from Sonar Network shows, subscribe to the Sonar+ Apple podcasts channel by visiting my apple podcast page for On a Dark, Cold Night, or searching for The Sonar Network in iTunes. It's $3.99 a month and a great way to support Canadian content.
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Thank you again for listening with me tonight
I hope you're staying warm as the air grows cooler
And I hope you're staying open as the world grows harsher.
I'm trying to do it with you.
Lots of love, and sweet dreams, my friends.
[Eerie theme music]
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