Episode 255: Conversations with Forgotten Gods, Part 1
December 5th, 2023
Kristen Zaza
[Eerie Theme Music.]
[Your Narrator:]
[A long pause]
I've found myself back in your world, her world, a different world from the castle
I find myself here more and more, these days
I've found myself back in your world, her world, frequently, and sometimes I try to get back to my world, to the land of castles and forests and towers, to the place where gravity doesn't hold sway and ghosts make great company and plants sing their threats to us and krakens lurk in the deep
But what happens more and more when I do this is that I get stuck in an in-between place
A plane between one world and the other, I suppose it's its own world, isn't it?
I'm not sure if it's really a place or a world or just an act of closing one's eyes and breathing
But in this shadow-world, this bodiless and headless space world that occurs only when eyes are closed and breathing slows, I have seen
Others
Beings
Creatures of this place and that
Fiction and Non
The Creation Realms and the lands of the Created
And the spaces between both
Not limited to anywhere or anything
But Profoundly Powerful in every place
I've written so many of them into my stories here
And I often flattered myself to think I created them
I don't know which way it goes, truthfully
I think it never stops going both ways, actually.
Creating
Created
Creating
Created
Creating
Created
Is this the turning of the wheel that keeps the universe in motion?
[A breath, a rumble, a hum]
Sit with me and breathe for a moment.
If it is safe for you to do so, close your eyes with me
And maybe you'll be able to see if they visit you, too.
They are so easily frightened away, these gods who sail the ocean behind our closed eyes
You have to be patient
You have to be quiet
You have to make it as quiet as possible in your mind
And even still, they may never come
This is our Room in the Castle, tonight
Closed eyes, a dark and profound tapestry, like the surface of nighttime water, where reflections may dance gracefully above, or figures may lurk deeper within.
The Shadow picked me up and dragged me down, you see, to this land of behind-the-eyes Darkness
And there is a part of me that has remained there ever since
This is where the forgotten gods will show themselves.
I thought about masking it like an interview podcast, like most other podcasts with a host and a guest
I thought I could make it a little silly and modern; I could try out a radio voice and be really interesting and personable and ask wonderful questions
Create a jingle and everything
But the more and more I strip away at illusion
The more wonder I feel
And the less I am able to hide it
They're all there
Waiting to be invited in, you see.
Don't frighten them away
Let them reveal themselves.
Breathe.
Offer your breath as incense
Offer the colours you see on the inside of your eyelids as flowers
Offer yourself as priest or priestess
Breathe.
I am so imperfect. I don't talk about it here very much.
The me that you see here is prideful and long-winded, full of descriptions and feelings but short on clarity and stories at all frankly
The Elsewhere Reality Me has vices and addictions and leans into them gratefully every night and wonders why I feel out of touch with the universe, who does not always practice what I preach, who holds contradictions and hypocrisies within myself
Guilt and Self-Deprecation are Useless
I offer all that up on an altar in this dark, headless and bodiless world we're in now, that is my saving grace I think
That I will find the quiet and the breath and beg the Shadow to drag me down to the quiet and still place where I can breathe again
And I breathe
[Music. The God of Selfish Pleasure’s theme, piano and vibes, driving]
And that's when the music comes
That's where the words flow from
And that's where
We will meet our first guest for our Conversation today.
Their melody is simple, their chords are plain
it is the energy with which they are played, the constant jumping and bouncing from despair to joy, anger to attraction, that is what makes it, hmm, how to describe it, I think it is
wanting. A dark, hungry, perhaps...vicious kind of wanting
The kind of wanting that only A minor moving to E major can describe. No other fifth will do, not for me anyway.
Let me paint my world in the cadence of A Minor to E Major, and back to A minor and back and forth
But that's another story
I see. It is a god
who is full of
passion
and energy
And maybe, I hesitate to say, for you know how I loathe it, but
Violence
Not because they are violent but because they eat it up, they feast on it, this god
They are...I can tell...fascinated with our conflicts
The ones outside of us, between us, and within us
They look at my hypocrisy and my sins and all the things I am ashamed of
The light of their eyes falls upon them and they are filled with
Irrepressible and intense glee
frightening glee
A fearsome delight
Licking their chops and eyeing me like a steak dinner
But it is not that there's Evil here, it's not Evil, but then I don't think I will be dealing in good and evil anymore since it just gets in the way of growth
He - I'm sorry that I assumed, is that right?
Yes, he confirms, He.
He
draws strength
from the friction we create with our inner and outer tumult.
Whenever you give in to what your most immediate want is, when you allow your emotions to make you say and do something without consideration or breath, there he is, growing brighter and stronger and more joyful, he delights in it
His face
Is changing, always
His eyes are a burning red, so bright they shine a deep red light wherever they look
His ears are large and pointed, ready to hear what they want to hear
His chest is broad and open, arms thrown back and shoulders low, ready to fight, ready to dance, ready to laugh, ready to scream
His mouth perpetually resting in a smile that I have to say is irresistible and horrific at the same time. Because no matter what he feels, so long as he feels it fully, there is a part of him that is very happy
He is a dangerous god
His skin shines and glitters and marbles in the shadow and light created by an unseen nearby fire
He is a lovely god
His hair a flowing halo of red and gold, like the unseen fire he brings with him wherever he goes
He is ready for the fight you're holding close to you
And if you are not careful, if you do not put something between you and him, then he will come and light you up just like him
You will do what you want to do, regardless of consequence
There is an innocence to him I can't describe, too, like a child who doesn't know how to share yet
It's not his fault that he is what he is.
Instant gratification. The search for satisfaction.
He is the God of Selfish Pleasure.
What a visitor.
"Welcome," I tell him.
"Thank you," he answers.
I am across from him, looking into that penetrating red light coming from his eyes
I wonder what he sees when he looks at me?
"Why do you want to know that?" He asks, and grins. "Are you hoping I'll find you as appealing as you find me?"
"You are that. Diving readily and deeply into our most immediate wants is always attractive."
"Then do it. What do you want?"
"I want to hide away and rest and make my brain quiet and forget about every other person in the world for as long as I can.”
"Do it."
"I can't."
His arms extend in an open embrace, and they suddenly seem so soft and inviting. His smile seems warm and gentle now. This god knows what you want. What is the one in your eyes offering you?
"I have things I must do. I can't forget about life. I can't forget about others. I can't shirk responsibilities and obligations, as much as I wish I could sometimes."
"I thought you put yourself up on an altar as sacrifice to a god here?"
"I did."
"I have come. I am the one who answered. Aren't you angry at something? Wouldn't you like to scream about it? Aren't you craving something? Aren't you wanting something desperately?"
"There will be a time for all of that perhaps."
"What if that time never comes? What if I leave you and never return, what then?"
"You will never do that."
He comes closer to me and I feel the heat of that unseen fire. It makes me afraid and I want to run. And his eyes widen with a strange delight the second I think those words.
"Do it." He says. His smile widens and his sharp teeth gleam in the flickering golden light he brought with him and I think there is blood on his excessively long and forked tongue. "Run."
I take a deep breath. "No."
[Music; his theme again on piano and vibes]
Anger, such rage in him.
But that too subsides the more that I breathe.
I see how connected we are. If I remain calm, he is not quite so fierce.
If you feel weak, that is when he is at his most powerful.
When he knows you will give in to temptation.
We stare at each other for some time. I suppose it's not an incredibly interesting interview for you to listen to, but I am basking in the sight of him.
"You are very beautiful," I tell him. "But then, I do adore the sight of vicious things." I feel myself circling him, now, eyeing him like an object. Sometimes it helps to turn the tables on these forgotten gods behind your eyes; you cannot let them have all the power. They deserve respect and reverence, of course, but - blasphemy of blasphemies - I'm beginning to understand that so do I.
"Then give in to me," he utters, his smile set on his face but his demeanour a little confused. He doesn't know what I want.
"What do you want?"
"I want you to do what you want."
"What if I just want to be here with you?"
[Long pause]
"What"
"I'm not afraid of you, you know."
[Long pause]
"But I-"
"Yes, you are very intimidating and you hold a good deal of power. I don't think you're so bad, though. I don't mind spending time with you.
But you are not everything. You are not the whole picture. There are others outside of me and other gods within me
What I want now is not what I want always
What I want now is not what others need now
What I want now is not the whole picture
But you can hold my hand and sit with me for a little, if you want?"
His smile
Fades a little
Not unhappy
Just a little more calm
As he breathes
The fire grows a little steadier
And I can see him more clearly
The red eye-light dims a little and I think he sees me a bit m ore clearly too
Because when you don't give in to someone who wants something from you
They see you as more than their object
And gods don't want objects as tribute or sacrifice
They want devotees to love them and to love in return.
Even the most fierce of them.
He comes to my side and I hold his hand
The sun rises and my eyes open in another world again
There are people who need me
Things I need to do
There is a whole world that needs every soul, every voice, every set of eyes to witness its lights and darknesses
So I squeeze the hand of the God of my Selfish Pleasure throughout the day
And whisper in the back of my mind,
"Not now, Love."
And he squeezes it back and sighs, and promises to wait.
[Eerie theme music]
(Host speaks as Kristen:)
Hello everyone, thanks so much for listening to Episode 255 of ON a Dark, Cold Night, and Part 1 of Conversations with Forgotten Gods. This is Kristen Zaza, your host, writer, narrator, podcaster, composer, creator, created, behind the podcast. I hope you're taking care and doing well, my friends. This is an idea I've been playing with for a little while that I would like to continue moving towards; as always, if you have any questions you'd like me to explore, or any questions for a Forgotten God to explore, in the world of these episodes, please feel free to let me know over social media or anyhow you like; I'm not certain yet whether I'll be doing this for every episode coming up, or peppering them throughout other stories - as always, there is no planning, there is just doing, so we'll see what happens.
Thank you as always to everybody who supports the show in my Patreon community - I sincerely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, my friends. Through my Patreon, every supporter of $1 or more a month receives access to my complete soundtrack, while every supporter of $5 or more a month (that's USD) gets that, a monthly Tarot reading video uploaded every full moon, and a weekly bonus "Quick Moment" meditation. Learn more at patreon.com/darkcoldnight. You can also support one-time only with no perks through Ko-fi.com by buying me one or more metaphorical coffees - learn more at ko-fi.com/darkcoldnight. And we also have t-shirts and hoodies for purchase at bonfire.com/on-a-dark-cold-night. You can also listen to the Quick Moment Meditations on iTunes by subscribing to the Sonar+ apple podcast channel for 3.99 a month - visit my apple podcast page for On a Dark, cold Night, or search for the Sonar Network, to do so.
I would also appreciate it deeply if you took some time this holiday season, as listens are lower - and should be, as we spend more time with loved ones than usual - but a review and rating would go a long way this time of year, if you're enjoying the show. You can drop me some stars on Spotify, leave a rating or review or iTunes, Facebook, or anywhere else you like to rate and review podcasts. You can follow me on social media on Facebook or YouTube under On a Dark, COld Night, instagram at darkcoldnightpodcast, Bluesky and Tiktok at kristenzaza, or on Twitter @ADarkColdNight.
Thank you always for listening, my friends.
If you're inspired to take some time to breathe deeply and speak with the gods behind your eyes
Say hi to them for me.
Sweet Dreams.
[Eerie theme music]
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