Episode 267: We Are With You

April 8^th, 2024

Kristen Zaza

[Eerie Theme Music.]

[Your Narrator:]

Well, this is strange.

I’m not in the story room

I’m not in the castle at all, really

I’m

Which one am I?

Yes, definitely Kristen, I think

It doesn’t really matter

But I’m here

And you’re here

And we’re together, and that’s very very nice.

I’m just surprised to see that I’m not in the story room because it feels like there is story bubbling up and out of me

There is a once upon a time, brewing

But I don’t know much more than that, I’m afraid.

I’m just trying to trust that and see what happens; hope for the best.

There is a song, and there have been many many dreams, and a sort of plunging loneliness and a delicious longing

Probably just the eclipse coming.

Be safe with me here.

At my kitchen table

A Youtube fire on the television screen

The cat sitting on the piano, staring at us

The plants trembling in fear of the dark

And you and I

These words on my computer between us like a glowing lifeline.

Here it comes, rising up my spine and up my throat and struggling against a cough and rising even still between my teeth and out my lips:

Once upon a time,

[Music; piano; sad]

There was a house that was very haunted.

It was down a long and distant road, far away from anything, on a hill, or perhaps protected by swamp and forest and all manner of wildlife that most decent folk liked to stay away from.

The house was famously haunted; it was large and looming and many books had been written about it.  Oddly enough, all with different stories - some said it was a hotel riddled with ghosts of guests who had long ago been murdered; other stories said it was the site of demonic rituals done by the hand of some hedonistic, wealthy lord; other tales still insisted it was a portal to the beyond where dissatisfied spirits from times passed were attracted due to the sorrow and rage stored in this place’s walls. No one knew the truth.

All they knew was that objects moved. Doors slammed. Paintings changed. One moment a room would be grey; the next its walls would be smeared with black or red drawings. One moment, dinner would be set out on the table; the next it would be half-eaten and rotted. One moment, everything would be completely still; the next, the building rumbled with footsteps and voices in other rooms.

Exorcists had come and tried their hand at cleansing the place. Good witches had come and attempted spells of release. Mediums had come and tried to communicate with the souls to see what they required in order to move on. Nothing changed, however. No answers were ever given. The place was what it was, and it was very very haunted.

One day, a woman came to the house.

She had been running. Well, not quite running. Driving. From what? I suppose everything. The world disturbed her. Life was difficult. Relationships were hard. Wanting things was hurtful, most of all. She found that she wanted so much from her life and it wasn’t giving her much of it. She knew all the tricks of gratitude and all the delights of acceptance, sure, but no matter how she meditated or journalled or danced or played with these wants like toys to one day be discarded, she found she could not shake it all off. So the answer, it seemed, lay in rejecting all of it. Removing herself from the entire equation. She just wanted to try her hand at living without wants, and it seemed running from everything entirely was the only solution. Hey, if it didn’t work, she could always go back, right?

In her car, she had with her a little bag and a cell phone.

She knew

I’m sorry. I don’t want to lie

The truth is, I visited this house in a dream.

I wasn’t sure if I should tell you or not, because for one, I was a little afraid you were sick of hearing from me, and thought you might like fiction. And for another thing, I was worried it might be a little too revealing…a little too intimate. Perhaps it’s unwise to share one’s dreams so broadly. But I’ve shared them before, haven’t I? I don’t know. I dreamed about this house the night before I started writing this. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I won’t tell you everything, but I will tell you some things.

I enter the house because there is a very important thing I need to do. It is a very personal, very important thing I need to do here. In that way that only dreams can truly get away with in vague and flimsy storytelling, I don’t actually know what the very important thing I need to do here is, but I know I need to do it. So I enter the house, but I climb up through very green and alive vines that climb up the side of the building so thickly, it’s almost like I’m climbing up a hill. The window is open, the place is dusty, and I enter, and immediately I catch a ghost in the corner of my eye, greeting me in the room.

I turn to look at her but she’s gone in a flash.

I didn’t even see what she looked like

But all I saw was a smile.

Oddly enough, I’m not afraid

I’m happy she was smiling

And I’m just curious.

Someone travels with me but he can’t see them.

I travel up and down staircases, sometimes catching glimpses of these phantoms. Men, women, folks, children, elderly. Just out of the corner of my eyes. I can’t linger on them for long. But I feel they are either trying to speak with each other or with me. I see a little girl who keeps opening holes in the floors, grinning at me, and then closing them up again. They’re portals to a bright and sunny dimension; she closes them and again I’m in the dark and dusty house. I walk into rooms that one minute have half-eaten food out, and I turn my back, and when I turn round again it’s just a pile of rottted dust. Doors slam all around me. Windows open and close. Sometimes there is writing on the wall, sometimes it’s washed away. Paintings change. Footsteps and voices shake the walls and the floors, and then a moment later there is complete silence.

It is as the false story told you.

Only I was there.

I was the woman

But I wasn’t running away from something, that’s just what I like to have my characters do because I like the idea of them running into the welcoming arms of the supernatural.

I was running towards this place

To solve a problem.

There was something I needed to fix. I was so focused on it. So concerned.

That is how I usually am in dreams. Trying to fix. Trying to control.

Ignoring the truth, the beauty, the fascinating quality of everything around me in favour of some imagined goal that I will never reach.

I can’t help it. In my daily life I try to free myself from this way of being; but in my dreams, my more…grasping nature tends to take over.

Here I was, in this house, desperate to fix this haunting.

I wanted to solve it. Crack the code. Find out why these ghosts were still here. What were they trying to do? Why were they so active? Why weren’t they at peace?

More importantly, what was the story here? Was this place a hotel riddled with ghosts of guests who had long ago been murdered? Was it the site of demonic rituals done by the hand of some hedonistic, wealthy lord? Was it was a portal to the beyond where dissatisfied spirits from times passed were attracted due to the sorrow and rage stored in this place’s walls?

I needed to know the story

Probably so that I could tell it

To You.

[phone rings]

Sorry, that’s my phone.

I know, I keep threatening to throw it into the black hole

Sometimes I succeed

But it somehow always ends up back here in my coat pocket.

Hello?

[Music; layered voices, sometimes harmonizing but mostly in unison, over a piano]

You're thinking about it all wrong

You're looking for answers but you're coming on too strong.

You're going about it all wrong.

You're missing clues all over the place

You're stuck in time, you're lost in space

You're thinking about it all wrong.

You're thinking about it all wrong.

Can't you feel it in your heart?

Can't you feel us even though we are apart?

Can't you feel us in your heart?

We sent you our fiercest ones of all

You felt their touch, you heard their call -

Can't you feel us in your heart?

You're thinking about it all wrong.

[Speaking again]

In my dream, there are voices on my phone

Many of them, speaking as one, in a voice so gentle and kind I feel immediately peaceful.

They say I’m thinking about it all wrong.

I’m missing the clues.

The clues are all over the place.

There is nothing to fix.

They’re just here.

The house is haunted; so what?

What needs to change about that?

Who said they weren’t happy? For that matter, who said they were happy? Who even said they were ghosts?

It’s not what happened in the past; it’s not what will happen in the future; it’s not even what’s happening now

It’s only What’s happening.

The girl opening the portals

The grinning woman

The souls walking all around me

When I wake, I will want something so much that it hurts

But when I am here with them, I feel peace.

What is this world?

[The singing continues]

It's obvious, you know

It's above and it's below

It's where you already are

It's written in the stars

You ought to let it in

Don't know where to begin

If you listen then you'll see

Are you listening to me?

Just breathe deep

Then breathe out

Don't need to keep

a look out

Just breathe slow

Then breathe me

You already know

Don't need to see

We are with you

We are with you

You're thinking about it all wrong.

Can't you feel us in your heart?

We are with you.

[Song ends; speaking continues]

I just woke up

And I was right. I woke up wanting things I’m not sure I’ll ever have. Most of all, I wanted my phone to ring

And God, I wanted to hear that voice again.

but

The next night, I had another dream.

I had Somewhere Very Important to go to again, with Something Very Important to do.

I was never going to make it on time.

But someone came and help me.

He flew with me on his great back across cities and forests, and left me by a quiet riverside.

And when we landed he held me and said he would take me to where I wanted to go, but he could not stay there.

I begged with him to stay with me

But he was adamant that he could not come with me to that place.

Which is true?

Are they with me

Or am I in a place they cannot go?

Are they even the same?

Will I return to that place in my dreams again?

There is a great eclipse coming

Today, in fact, as this is released, I think

As I’m writing it and recounting my dreams, I’m recalling that the eclipse is coming

I don’t know what that means.

I don’t really know what any of it means

I don’t know what any of it ever meant

And I’m growing hopeless when it comes to making any sense of any of it

And I can’t help but thing that that’s what is meant to happen.

It doesn’t have to make sense

It never did

Any of this

But it’s delightfully fun

And outstandingly beautiful

As a shadow is cast over everything I thought I knew, and the world is veiled in some mystery that an animal part of me longs to solve, but the spirit part of me laps up like a cat with cream

And the light will return, but it may not mean the same thing ever again

Some of that mystery will stay behind in its other world and I am sure I will mourn its departure

While other voices will always be with me

Their message is so simple

We Are With You

So Simple

Even in the darkest of days.

Anyway, goodnight.

Let’s see what dreams sneak in tonight.

Be careful not to look directly at the eclipse

Just enjoy the mystery.

[Eerie theme music]

(Host speaks as Kristen:)

Hello my friends, and thank you so much for listening to Episode 267 of On a Dark, Cold Night. I’m not sure whether or not this episode was a good idea or not but hey, here we are, and these days that’s kind of how I always feel. I can’t describe it. It’s kind of like, all that’s left is the sharing. How do you feel? Also I’m a little bit sick with a cough so apologies if I’m a bit deeper and raspier this week. Maybe it was a good thing! I don’t know!  This is Kristen Zaza, your host, writer, narrator, composer, dreamer, podcaster, mystery reveler, etcetera, behind the show. I appreciate you being with me.

Big thanks as always need to go out to everyone who supports the show on a monthly basis on Patreon - I’m so grateful for your support, my friends. Every patron of $1 or more a month US gets access to my complete and downloadable soundtrack, while every patron of $5 or more a month US gets that, a monthly tarot reading video uploaded every full moon, and a bonus “Quick moment” meditation every week that I’m active with the podcast. To learn more, visit patreon.com/darkcoldnight. The Quick Moment Meditations are also available through a subscription to the Sonar+ apple podcast channel for 3.99 a month, along with lots of other great sonar network content - learn more by searching On a Dark, Cold Night or The Sonar Network on itunes. You can also donate one-time only without any perks at ko-fi.com/darkcoldnight, or by buying a t-shirt or hoodie at bonfire.com/on-a-dark-cold-night.

I would also love if you left me a rating or a review on Spotify, Apple, Facebook, or wherever else you like to do so - Spotify would be especially helpful, wink wink wink. I don’t know why, I would just like it, honestly. Speaking of Spotify, my 2^nd album, Favourite Little Songs from On a Dark, Cold Night, Volume 2, is up there now - you can check it out, give it a listen, keep it playing on a loop while you sleep, you know, whatever you like! ANd You can follow me on social media on YouTube and Facebook under page names On a Dark, Cold Night, instagram at darkcoldnightpodcast, on Bluesky and Tiktok at kristenzaza, or on Twitter @ADarkColdNight.

Thank you as always, my friends.

Be safe during the eclipse

In all the beauty and horror of what is hidden and what is revealed, perhaps you’d like to join me in not trying to solve too much

But rather, see what unfolds

And find freedom in trusting it.

Always a joy being with you.

Sweet dreams.

[Eerie theme music]

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